"CHAPO BA" to the people who love me

I wrote this piece on July 2nd 2005, one year after my unforeseen return back to the United States.

These words still resonate with me 4 years later while I am about to embark on a new journey. This crossing over may be called new if I interpret life as sequential moments added to make a whole. But life is a continuum, a range of experiences which are linked to each other, and a non-ending pilgrimage. There is never an old or a new. I am carrying on.

I bow to the people who love me.

To the people who love me

This year has been a year of great realizations, achievements and painful letting go. My birthday was associated through the years with some painful moments, the death of a dear friend in 1988 and of my brother in 2003. And through all of this I was never alone. Haitian history was shattered in blood when hundreds were shot on that same day in 1966.

In 1965, the sister I never met was also born on that same date. But I wouldn’t change a thing, I am glad that I was born on April 26, 1966.

For more than 10 years now, I offered myself a trip alone to some place where I would enjoy the pleasure of who I am. This year my transition has made it impossible for me to travel but I have never felt more loved by you, dear friends and spiritual partners. I guess I didn’t need the travel; I have been enjoying the pleasure of who I am all year long.

Having been a workaholic, it’s been hard for me to stay at home, to be a stay at home mom and a student. Having provided for myself since I left college, it’s been hard for me to depend on family and friends. Having fought and worked for my country since I was 16, it’s been hard watching it being destroyed by the day. But you know what; I wouldn’t change the experience for nothing. I got to be introduced to parts of myself that I didn’t know were there. I really got to love myself naked. Naked with no attributes, no fancy clothes, no title, and no big money.

I’ve experienced fear, hatred, frustration, anger, but more recently sadness and peace. I’ve numbed myself to the deep sadness inside of me and slowly released it to the universe. I’ve been mourning some dreams close to my heart.

I’ve reconnected to some of you, I’ve met new people, and I’ve deepened my existing ties to some of you. Some of you I had let go.

To the people I let go. I initiated it not because I ceased loving you, but because I needed to love you in a different way. From you I needed something you couldn’t give. I am sorry for needing…I am really sorry for needing….. I am in the process of understanding myself better and maybe come to the realization that I will never be fulfilled by just one connection. Maybe it will open the door for me to wonderful and unique connections.
I long for a new way of relating with you where love can flow freely.

To the people I met, I consider myself as a traveler, a baby, a learner. Please be patient with me when I stumble... I welcome these opportunities to get closer to Spirit. I truly cherish you, each of you in your own rights.

To the people I reconnected with, I accept your re-coming into my life as a treasure. You searched for me and found me. Some of you in funny/bitter sweet situations…I am so happy for this makeover, love and friendship edition. (Wow, I just got the name of my new TV show….lol)

To the people who never left, you deserve a standing ovation from the angels and the stars. Putting up with my bitchiness sometimes is a big challenge. Oh God, what wonderful gifts you are!

(Chapo ba means Homage to, bowing to)