Confession

© 2010 Sandra Jean-Pierre

I feel like anything I write at this moment will be a confession
and I am not one to be confessing too much lately,
since I've not much to confess

but that I want to love you

like the stars
melding into the space that surrounds them,
to where there is no distinction between
the essence
of star-life and darkness

I want to consume you

the way poured molten glass
kisses room temperature water
with a sizzle - I will
evaporate my way into your skin
so that the only way out
is when you cum for me

letting lose your inhibitions
like the rivers flowing through the Serengeti

I want to show you

that the trail between your breasts
has more secrets
than the ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs,
that your sweet love moanings
can be the basis of one hundred
seraphim song riffs

and that if we're patient -
oh sweet, profound, patience -
we might just find
the reason that
two women are able
to know the face of God
and have it make sense

since
blessed unions,
are only "supposed" to happen
between women and men...

but
admitting these things
would constitute a confession
and I'm not one for confessing
anything...

except how much the thought of
touching you (?)
keeps running through my mind
as each time the rocking gets sweeter and sweeter
and you giving up that surrenderer's sigh
in my ear
is exactly what I need to hear

because Our loving?
is enough to make
grown women cry,
enough to make devout clergy genuflect
asking God why
Us and not them?

and my answer?
You'd have to be a woman, loving this woman
to understand...

In Loving Memory

She

She with her fall scented skin

And hope filled eyes

She who loved like

Love like time

Loved like I

Loved like love before the lies

Wrapped in weather worn righteousness

And spider webbed pride

I loved how her kisses

Came with a little wisdom on the side

I should have thanked her sooner,

But instead, I let time fly

Now I watch tired bones

Trying to hold up a spirit too stubborn to die

I should have hugged you more

Loved you more

I should have tried to see your side

Instead of trying to win this victorless war

I’m.

So.

Sorry.

Sorry that even in the little time left that we have

I still can’t seem to cross over the abyss of silence

Terrified of the day I can’t see you in my reflection

Yet still can’t say ‘I love you’ without a little hesitation

You

Withered womb warrior woman, you

I can’t believe I ever thought you unworthy

Just know that if I ever hold any power over our destinies

I’ll find some way to make you let go of prodigal dreams

The way I plan to hold on to your memory

Because you raised me better than this

A black woman to feed my spirit

I want a woman to feed my spirit
A black woman to feed my spirit
Black inside and out

When I see her
I want to see charcoal fire ashes
Houses burnt down
Machetes
Revolution

When I lay my hand on her
I want to feel the raggedy
Roughness of the mountains
The rocks hurting my naked feet
Scars on her tummy
Bumps on her breast

When she menstruates
I want to see the blood going down her legs
River latibonit river
Fraying her way to populated lands
Carrying down the sand

When I touch her wetness
I want to feel the scream
Of all the women fighters before me
Marie Jeanne, Claire Heureuse, Catherine, Désirée

When we finally come
Together
When we finally come
Together
“Map antre o nan lakou a
Mape mande si nan pwen granmoun o nan lakou a
Map antre o nan lakou a
Mape mande si nan pwen granmoun o nan lakou a
Bonjou manman m
Ponjou pitit mwe
Bonjou manman m
Bonjou pitit mwen adye
Map antre o nan lakou a
Mape mande si nan pwen granmoun o nan lakou a





Amazon of the water
10/09/05

Untitled.

I missed you
A rainbow reverie
A promise, a probability
A fantasy song playing in my head
I toyed with the idea of you in my mind
Hiding from mountains and roads
Seeking nearness
Then you came
Busted open
Popped the screw
And invaded my space
You burned me more than fire
I couldn’t sleep
My heart was racing
My genie got out of the bottle
How did that happen?
Really.
Please, would you? I beg.
Not now.
The emerald glass bottle is safer than my ribcage
Less commotion
My heart is old already. Tired and old.
Would you? Please? …go back?

"CHAPO BA" to the people who love me

I wrote this piece on July 2nd 2005, one year after my unforeseen return back to the United States.

These words still resonate with me 4 years later while I am about to embark on a new journey. This crossing over may be called new if I interpret life as sequential moments added to make a whole. But life is a continuum, a range of experiences which are linked to each other, and a non-ending pilgrimage. There is never an old or a new. I am carrying on.

I bow to the people who love me.

To the people who love me

This year has been a year of great realizations, achievements and painful letting go. My birthday was associated through the years with some painful moments, the death of a dear friend in 1988 and of my brother in 2003. And through all of this I was never alone. Haitian history was shattered in blood when hundreds were shot on that same day in 1966.

In 1965, the sister I never met was also born on that same date. But I wouldn’t change a thing, I am glad that I was born on April 26, 1966.

For more than 10 years now, I offered myself a trip alone to some place where I would enjoy the pleasure of who I am. This year my transition has made it impossible for me to travel but I have never felt more loved by you, dear friends and spiritual partners. I guess I didn’t need the travel; I have been enjoying the pleasure of who I am all year long.

Having been a workaholic, it’s been hard for me to stay at home, to be a stay at home mom and a student. Having provided for myself since I left college, it’s been hard for me to depend on family and friends. Having fought and worked for my country since I was 16, it’s been hard watching it being destroyed by the day. But you know what; I wouldn’t change the experience for nothing. I got to be introduced to parts of myself that I didn’t know were there. I really got to love myself naked. Naked with no attributes, no fancy clothes, no title, and no big money.

I’ve experienced fear, hatred, frustration, anger, but more recently sadness and peace. I’ve numbed myself to the deep sadness inside of me and slowly released it to the universe. I’ve been mourning some dreams close to my heart.

I’ve reconnected to some of you, I’ve met new people, and I’ve deepened my existing ties to some of you. Some of you I had let go.

To the people I let go. I initiated it not because I ceased loving you, but because I needed to love you in a different way. From you I needed something you couldn’t give. I am sorry for needing…I am really sorry for needing….. I am in the process of understanding myself better and maybe come to the realization that I will never be fulfilled by just one connection. Maybe it will open the door for me to wonderful and unique connections.
I long for a new way of relating with you where love can flow freely.

To the people I met, I consider myself as a traveler, a baby, a learner. Please be patient with me when I stumble... I welcome these opportunities to get closer to Spirit. I truly cherish you, each of you in your own rights.

To the people I reconnected with, I accept your re-coming into my life as a treasure. You searched for me and found me. Some of you in funny/bitter sweet situations…I am so happy for this makeover, love and friendship edition. (Wow, I just got the name of my new TV show….lol)

To the people who never left, you deserve a standing ovation from the angels and the stars. Putting up with my bitchiness sometimes is a big challenge. Oh God, what wonderful gifts you are!

(Chapo ba means Homage to, bowing to)

Andrine, be smart!

I can now see where I've gone wrong in my search for a partner.

I've started by looking for people to whom I was attracted for whatever reason. When I would find one, I would try to fit her in my mold of what I was looking for.

The process should be completely reverse.

I should first meet people and establish a connection regardless of what my clit feels in the moment. Meet them, know them.

Does she correspond to what I want in a partner? All of my wants and needs are based on who I am today, my background, my life experiences, my struggles and my triumphs. Can I communicate with her at all levels of my being? Can she recognize me? Can she understand me? Can I see through her? Do I like her as a person? Would I enjoy her as a friend to just hang out, chill and share deep secrets?

I've put so much effort in building my own career and my family life. I've been smart, strong and determined.

I am now choosing to be smart too in two areas of my life: my health and my relationship. Eating right and exercising. Loving myself, my body. Using my skills and my intuition to gauge who can be a journey partner when the time comes. And trusting Spirit......

Be smart my dear. You are sacred.

your first love,

Andrine

A journey partner

A journey partner
Not a girlfriend
A matriarch to journey with

An Intimate
Not a lover
Intimacy here and way over there
Intuitive Palpable


A conversation connection
Not a date
Communion revelation

A partner
Not a significant other
To grow with
Consciously spiritually

A journey partner
This is whom I want
This is who I am